1# Secret love affair with pen

"Purviiiiiiiiii! What are you doing here? Hawwwww!!!! You are writing with pen??!!"
All my -hoods were filled with many 'ear-pulled-by-parents-and-eye-next-to-the-ear-getting-semi-closed' instances. And this one in particular is from my childHOOD. That day, I was in my room(Well, that's a lie! I did not have separate room back then), sitting beside a gigantic Godrej almirah made of real iron (true,  those were made of real-real iron) when my mother got wind of my secret love affair with the 'Pen'. My love affair with pen began at the age of 6. The childhood was fabulous and it came with a clause 'Third class se pehle pen nahi varna writing kharaab ho jayegi' (If you use pen before 3rd standard, you will end up having a bad handwriting) School and home, both kept a vigil on what the child was using for writing.The stages in the universally accepted doctrine of 'What-to-use-for-writing' was 

Nursery to 3rd   -------Pencil
3rd to 7th-----------------Nib Pen/Fountain Pen
8th onwards-------------Go! Conquer the World my child! You free! Pen Allowed!
And this last stage was so eagerly awaited that, we could not believe the freedom and kept pissing off our teacher, "Ma'am, may we use ball pen as well?"

With such curfew like situation I developed a strange fascination towards pen.The secret love affair continued and whenever I got hold of pen and paper, I would scribble, draw, write, pierce paper with pen point and do tricks with them.But that day, Bang! I was caught! 
My mother continued,"Pen kahan se mili?" (Where from you got this pen?)
 I replied, "Papa ki hai" (It is Papa's pen)
Mumma: "Vapas karo aur vo paper dikhao.Kya likha hai?Dikhao"
(Give that back to me and show me that paper.Show me what you have written)
And VOILA !!!! Mumma loved that stuff written by me and showed it to Papa. I was abundantly appreciated by both of them. That was my first known piece of writing. My mother preserved it. That pat on back by the parents did wonders. Since then, I have always been in love with writing and journaling became an integral part of life.

That piece of writing is still there in my treasure trove.It is fun to read it now.That piece depicts my imagination notwithstanding any sense of singular, plural, use of auxiliaries, sentence formation or any other grammar stuff. Whenever I am at my Mumma's place, I dig into that trove and merrily go down the memory lane.This is more like a ritual. I will share the pictures once I reach my native place.

Currently, I am in Hubli.How I came to Hubli? The reason for this is an ectopic pregnancy that I had or should I say that was diagonsed of late.

2# Perfection-o-mania

In first chapter I talked about how I was hooked to journaling. But up to few days back it was quite a private business for me. Jotting things around, making notes of the new learnings, scribbling, writing about life experiences; everything I did was limited to me. Only ME. And why only writing. In fact everything that I was upto in life was quite limited. Limited friends, limited number of seniors whom I interacted with, limited number of subordinates whom I delegated to, limited everything. And ironically the model worked fine for my personality type. Rather it was pretty successful because I would use all the time at my disposal for my 'goals'.I always lived by milestones.But while doing this, I forgot to live in the present. I was always living in future.The next goal, the next chore, the next task, the next deadline.I expected too much from me.Even a task as simple as 'doing laundry' had to conform to the strict standards set by 'ME for ME'.I had all the symptoms of what I now call 'Perfection-o-mania'.I always wanted best out of me.It all worked fine.Fine until I was diaganosed with a medical complication. A complication called Eccesyis.A complication in which the fertilised egg implants itself in a wrong place.A medical condition which could lead to death of the patient if not diagnosed timely.More commonly known as ectopic pregnancy.

3# The Shock!

"Honey! Food is ready. Shall we now go to terrace?"
We were in Gangavathi, Karnataka.My husband was posted there.I was on leave and with him.It was just like any other day.The dinner was ready and we had this routine of taking a moon stroll before dinner.(I know.I know.Entire universe does it post meal). My husband and I then went to terrace to have some moonshine.We were talking about our work, plans, grocery that needs replenishment, the new family in the neighbourhood and other related-non related stuff. We were in the middle of our conversation, I interrupted him and blurted out."Honey! The pains are worsening yaaa..I do not understand.I am fed up!"
"Why are you ignoring this?We must try Banglore now.Let us go to Banglore next week and get this sorted "He commanded.
"OK.Next week done" I agreed.

These pains were the lower abdominal pains that I was getting for few weeks.I saw many doctors for it.Some would say it is due to stomach disorder, some said appendix, and some said nothing.They gave medicines, I popped them but nothing worked.The pains did not cure.
We were about to start dinner.As I sat down, I had this feeling of something crumbling inside me.Immense pain.

I wailed, "Honey! Pain.Unbearable now"
"Let's us go to doctor again" my husband said. 
"But before that let me call Dr.Priyanka Pathak.Please give me phone" I buzzed Dr.Pathak, a doctor in my hometown who was also an acquaintance.
"Hello Ma'am.Purvi here.Few days ago I called you to discuss about the abdominal pains I was having......"
"Yes.Yes Purvi.What happened?"
"Nothing much Ma'am.We are planning to go to Bangalore next week.But I called you because right now the pain is getting better of me.It is unbearable."
"Is the pain localised as before?"
"Yes Ma'am, pain is in right side"
"I think you should see a doctor immediately.Do not ignore."
"Why Ma'am? Anything serious" I feared.
"Do not waste time." She sounded quite different.
By the end of this conversation I was writhing in pain.My husband was extremely worried and called one of his friend.I was fetched to a Hospital.My husband and his friend waited outside while I was being laid on the testing bed by hospital staff.
Doctor came in.She asked some questions while examining me.I kept replying.I was trying to read her face as she fixated her glance on the screen of that ultrasound machine.She looked neutral.And said "You seem to have an ectopic pregnancy."

"WOW" I reacted.I did not know what 'ectopic' part mean.I could only understand 'pregnancy' part.Pregnancy means having a baby.That was all.That was 'WOW'.

I forgot all my pains and requested doctor to tell this to my husband.She read my ignorance and stammered, "Your baby can not live.It is in wrong place.We need to take it out."

My universe seemed to crumble.I felt like I am being pulled in a black hole.
Things warped inside me.

I tried to assemble myself and interrogated,"Could you save my baby"?
She sighed and asked me to get up and sit on the chair.My husband was also called in.She proclaimed "See.I am suspecting an ectopic pregnancy.This is a medical emergency where growing fetus implants itself at a place other than uterus.Her seems to be tubal one.But at this stage nothing can be said conclusively.Usually, such pregnancies are not viable in 99.99%.The tube can rupture anytime which might lead to internal bleeding.I can not say anything unless blood tests are done.The beta hCG test.But that facility is not available here.We take blood sample, send it to Bellary and this way reports take around 36 hours to reach us.I am sorry I can not admit her here.I would suggest you to seek institutional advice.So, I am referring her to SDM Medical College Dharwad where a team of doctors can examine her and decide future course of action."  
That was too much for us to consume in a single stretch.

I fixed my gaze on table as she started writing something. I vaguely remember, she was jotting down.|
The Duty Doctor
Dept of OBG;;;;;;;;..................
I was continuously looking at the paper. Suddenly words stopped making sense.Then they blurred.And then, became invisible.I fainted.Or may be semi-fainted.

4# Landing at Medical College-Part 1

When I regained my consciousness, I was in ambulance.My husband was sitting next to me.I noticed something on my hand.It was white band aid like thing(little did I realise those are called cannula, my ally for next few weeks).My other hand was grabbed in my husband's palm.I asked him, "What happened?Where are we going?" 
He replied, "Doctor gave some injections and said your pain will lessen.She instructed ambulance staff to arrange for this", he pointed upwards.I noted those liquid-filled packet like thing hanging on a stand and repeated my question, "Where are we going?"
"Medical College.I can not believe what is happening.Are you alright?How are you now? Are you still having pains?" He sounded extremely worried.
"No." I replied.
"All those doctors whom we saw before, they did not tell us anything like that? Why did they not tell us? How could they do that?" He grumbled.
We differ in our approach to a problem. He does not mind hurting someone or making some one feel less through his words.Whereas I am someone who hold it all inside and never ever utter a single word.
"May be they did not know.Give me my phone.Let me google it".I acquiesced.
"No.I will not give that to you.You should relax." He commanded.
"Please honey, I need to know" I tried again.
"No." He put his palm on my eyes in an attempt to lull me.

I finally surrendered and contemplated, How is this possible? An hour ago, I was cooking and was going to have dinner.And an hour later, here I am.In an ambulance.Being fetched to some higher medical facility. May be I have some serious disease, that is why a bigger place is required. My mind chattered.
Overloaded with nasty thoughts, I slept.
In that stretch of intermittent sleep, I looked out of the glass on doors of ambulance.But could not see much.It was very dark outside.Ambulance kept running and I slept again.
After a while, I woke up to glaring dark red lights on a building which read 'EMERGENCY'. 
Bang! Doors of the ambulance opened. And two persons dressed in full white clothes barged in. Before I could realise anything, I was lying on a stretcher.And was being carried through the corridors .Things were happening at lightening pace.I could not understand why I am being carried on this thing. I can walk all by myself. I am OK.
In hindsight, I realise the staff of emergency ward was very swift and devoted. Everyone knew their duties well. Doctors came pouring in one by one, with different sets of questions and other medical stuff.
After examination, a senior doctor ordered, "Take her to labour room"

Labour Room? Did I hear labour room? But then, that is a place where pregnant women deliver? Does that mean there is a chance of survival of my baby? My mind kept chattering.

I was asked to sit on a wheel chair. Was then wheeled to labour room.
I was all confused.Immediately after entering labour room I asked the doctor "Ma'am, is it possible to save my baby".
 "No.It is not.You will be treated to get rid of it.Do not worry". She said.

''Get rid of it.''  Her words resonated. Do I really want to get rid of it. Why is it called 'it'? Who uses 'it' for a baby? Should not it be 'she' or 'he', 'her' or 'him'. My mind chattered endlessly.

I was allotted a bed in labour room. Was then given blue coloured hospital gown. Then a sister(nurse) came and said you need to go for scanning again. She made me sit on chair and wheeled me to the scanning room. On my turn, doctor started examining me. She saw me internally on her screen and ordered her assistant, "Call the students".
Suddenly, a crowd of people wearing white coats barged in. Everyone seemed so excited. She introduced my internal imaging on the screen to the students. I felt like a guinea pig of some crazy experiment.
She addressed the students, "See.The uterine cavity is empty. And see that embryonic sac near right ovary.Tell me.What it is?"
One smart alec from the crowd replied 'Tubal pregnancy'.
She patted him and appreciated, "Very good. Unruptured right tubal ectopic pregnancy.This is a condition in which blah blah blah........"

Everyone wrote notes hastily and marched out of the room. It was a very bad experience. Students were looking at my face as if they have seen a human for the first time. But I was helpless. I felt like objecting on it. But could not.Tears welled in my eyes but I wiped them quickly. Really quickly.

Awkward situations, endless tests, blood draws and confusions.
Unfortunately, life started to feel like a bad movie I can not stop watching.
I was extremely weak.
I could not control anything.Not even my tears.
I have always been a control freak.
For the first time in my life I am feeling helpless.I was no more at the helm of my life.

After few hours, I was visited by the most senior doctor of OBG.The HOD. She seemed to have some magical powers. Her aura was extremely powerful and absolutely uncomplicated.I felt a strange relief when she touched me for examination.
She then checked reports and announced to the team of doctors to administer methotrexate.By then, I had googled enough about ectopics. So I knew methotrexate was the medicine to stop growth of cells.
The dose were given to me. I overheard the doctor on duty as she instructed staff, "Her husband wants her to be shifted to special ward. Shift her after an hour"

So now I will be leaving labour room. Empty handed.
Life seemed like a joke. I went from being not pregnant to pregnant and then not pregnant again. All within a span of 24 hours.

As I was wheeled out of the labour room, I wondered what it would feel like to get to take something home instead of having something taken away.

Day ended.
Next day, I was woken up by nurse who told me she would come to take blood sample everyday at 5 a.m.
Blood draw!!! What a terrible way to wake up!
Then by 10 a.m., visits by residents.
Then by sisters, while they turned shifts.
Everyone came, asked questions, checked drips, scribbled notes and left.
Rounds by senior doctors.Then by even more senior doctors.
Sonography, blood pressure and other routine check ups continued.

Days passed like that. Everyday was exact replica of the previous day. I hated hospital food. I hated that hospital like smell in air everywhere.

#5 Landing at hospital part-2

Question-What one does after getting a discharge from hospital?
Answer-Go home.
I tried doing the same.But failed......

I was about to get rid of that hospital smell, that food and that hospital gown.Finally, the day came.The day when I was free from this hospital thing. Bills were settled, formalities complete.We were given necessary instructions and list of precautions.

(Out of many other precautions, one of them was not to travel. I am mentioning this here categorically because back then I had no idea how significant it was and what distances were allowed or disallowed. We will always repent as to why did we not follow doctor's advice verbatim).

That day, we started for our destination back home. After 20 odd minutes of starting, my pains resurfaced. I did not expect them.I panicked.But chose to remain calm.Pains worsened and then again it became unbearable.I was writhing in pain on the back seat of the car.I was trying hard to tell this to my husband who was sitting in front.But my tongue resigned. Not a single word came out of my mouth.After a while my husband peeped behind casually.And there I was.I looked unconscious. Car stopped.Then he came back and tried to make me sit upright.But he could not.He asked the driver to take us back to Dharwad.The driver took U-turn and drove even faster.Meanwhile my condition worsened so much so that hubby took me to some nearby hospital.It was a place called Gadag.And I was admitted in N.B.Patil Hospital. Doctor examined me and suspected a rupture.And my condition was medically called 'shock' which is preceded by rupture.They asked my husband to decide on future course of action immediately, whether he wants to admit me there only or take me back to Dharwad.My husband decided to take me back as he had that 'Institutional advice' thing buzzing in his head.
We again landed in Medical College.

We were thrashed heavily by the doctors for travelling part.
Then admitted to same emergency ward.
Same tests. Same labour room. Same shifting to special ward.
But thankfully, there were no signs of internal bleeding.

But facing all this was soul breaking.
By then, I had given up on google and everything else.
I was no more interested to know what was going inside me.

And unlike my previous admission to hospital, this time I cried.

Treatments continued.
After few days, I was discharged again.
This time doctor categorically mentioned, "NO TRAVELLING.SHIFT HER NO FARTHER THAN A RADIUS OF 20KM FROM HERE"

#6 The little bundle of joy that never was.

Finally I was out of the hospital again. To comply with 'non-travelling clause', we rented a flat in Hubli.We did not want to take any risks. Hubli is the other partner in the twin city combo of Hubli-Dharwad.The rented flat was also good and after having enough of do-not-move-only-bed-rest thing, I started with some home chores and went ahead with my new life in Hubli.I would cook, clean, read and cry.I cried whenever I was alone.This was my daily routine.My husband returned to work.I also wanted to go back to work as soon as possible.But was too weak and feared.Going back to work seemed a distant dream.I stayed at home the entire day with memories of my baby.I mourned the potential.I talked to my baby all by my own:

"There is not a single day I do not remember you my child.
I want to tell you, how much I loved you, how much I wanted you.
You were there inside.Inside me for more than 2 months.
But I am sorry baby, Mumma did not know.
Sorry for all the caresses you deserved but never received.
I wanted to touch you, hold you, have you.
Sorry for not knowing about you.
Sorry for everything.I miss you so much."

Technically, I was a one-day-Mom.
Time difference between diagnosis of pregnancy and its termination was around 24 hours.

But those 24 hours carried most emotional moments of my life.

I never knew my heart could love so much until I became a one-day-mom.

(After recovery, I continued this story and wrote its second part here)
Pic courtesy:janamagalhaes.com


  1. R S Sajwan - Says:

    Never knew, you could write so beautifully. Never seen any Coal Indian doing that in my stay of 20 years. Unfortunately it took a tragic incident to discover this talent of yours. At this moment could only say that maybe it was all a part of destiny. Pray to the Almighty that you and your hubby recovers from this fully, at the earliest and good things starts in your life from this moment onwards what we call officially "This shall come into force with immediate effect".

  2. IRA - Says:

    Hello Purvi, It is really heart breaking to learn that you went through so much pain and emotional turbulence. I hope everything is fine now! Do take care! You are an inspiration to a lot more women who have gone through the same pain but have somehow never managed to move on with the loss! God bless!

  3. letshubli.com - Says:

    @R.S.Sajwan Thanks for inspiring words Sir.And yes, I will warrant my actions and spirits to comply with the wishes bestowed by you; that too with immediate effect :)

  4. letshubli.com - Says:

    @Ira Many thanks for such an inspiring comment.It means a lot for me.

  5. Kate - Says:

    I have same feelings it was more than year ago.I lost my baby and tube also because of surgery.You are lucky.After 3 months of EP conceived and now have a baby of one year.

  6. letshubli.com - Says:

    Kate, you said it right. I was treated medically,lucky that ways :) ..and good to know about your baby. much love.

  7. Ritu - Says:

    I cried a lot while reading this.You are very strong that you could write.I faced same medical complication.My feelings are same but I can never express it in the way you have.You are an inspiration.I can also relate to you because according to a comment you work in Coal India Limited. I too work in a PSU.I am not writing my real name.I can not disclose my name but the email id is correct.Please revert back.I want to meet you.I want to see how a strong person looks and lives.

  8. Pani Pankaj Pandey - Says:

    Very beautifully written madam....and indeed a touching incident...your words truly express your emotions...

  9. letshubli.com - Says:

    thanks a lot sir..these words of encouragement go really far..thanks again

  10. rohan - Says:

    just amazing strength

  11. letshubli.com - Says:

    Rohan, Aditi, Rashi..Group hug.. :)

  12. Shashank Srivastava - Says:

    Mam, Your words set up an ocean of emotions. You are an amazing writer.

  13. Shashank Srivastava - Says:

    Mam, Your words set up an ocean of emotions. You are an amazing writer.

  14. letshubli.com - Says:

    @Shashank Srivastava Thanks Shashank. This means a lot.

  15. Suvarna - Says:

    What a piece of writing. I felt like living there with you in all those moments. You took readers with you. You are queen.

  16. Martha - Says:

    Child of God purvi. I know of your anonymous contributions in trust. I am also part of trust and you are asset to planet earth. Jesus loves you. You are very lucky oral medications worked. Otherwise surgeries are complicated. Jesus loves you for sure.

  17. Gaurav - Says:

    SOFTEST writing by HARDEST girl of our group. IRON LADY !! HATS OFF !!

  18. Nidhi - Says:

    You always were and will always be different from crowd.I am glad our lives touched and I know a part of you. Part because you will always be a mystery.Just when I start to feel I know you, you prove me wrong. Multi talented but with multiple layers of mystery.

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